Do you believe you are a failure too?

I'm putting it all out there, so I can hold myself accountable this round of 12WBT (my 6th) and get the support I need. 
I have been seeing myself as a failure of late, last round saw me put on 6kgs, and the round before I lost only 3kg.  What I have begun to realise is that it is too easy to slip back into old familiar habits, food is definitely still way too comforting.  But what is it comforting me from?  I am use to being a certain type of person, the nice girl who can hide in the background because no one really pays her much attention because she is obese, sure she is nice, she is giving, she cares unconditionally but still she is marred by the label of being obese. 
Work people paid me way too much attention after did my 50km Upstream charity walk, too much attention you say, how can that be possible?!  It was lovely but overwhelming, so many people made the comment "wow, if you could do that maybe I could too", I was inspiring people!  huh?!  It was hard to get back into the swing of things after my feet healed and it just got worse. 
I cried so many times the night of my work dinner dance, so many compliments, all too much to handle.  I felt like a fraud because although I had lost 40kg, I had stayed at about 90kg for about 3 months and I was in a rut and felt unworthy of such kind words.   Colleagues telling me how much they admire me and that they are so proud of what I have achieved, and not just my peers but many Senior Managers, people who I thought just saw me as the nice obese girl.

Amanda my General Executive - a great supporter of mine

Rohan my Managing Director - I wouldn't have had the confidence to ask for a photo in the past!

How could I be anyone but the nice obese girl?!  So guess what I started becoming the nice obese girl again, night binging began and yes I stopped moving so much.  But it didn't help...it actually made me feel worse not better...well der!  My energy levels lowered, I was moodier and just sadder.  I was making excuses and not hearing the supportive words my family and friends were saying.
My husband called me on this last week, first of all I was mad, and thought how dare he, he just doesn't understand, he doesn't know what its like to be obese, argh!!  Then I sat back and really thought about it, he'd actually been nothing but supportive during this time, and could see the nice obese girl coming back and wanted the focused driven determined nice girl back.  The girl that knows she can do this, that isn't controlled by food and pretending that it is comforting to binge eat.  That kicks butt and can do anything she sets her mind to!  That is actually pretty inspiring and who is becoming an awesome role-model for her sons.  So I am now just thankful that he called it, and I didn't creep back over 100kg, because mentally that would have been a lot tougher to beat.
So yeah maybe my "plans" haven't exactly gone to plan, but I am stronger because of it and I will reach my next goal, and I will be the best version of myself I can be. I started with one tiny step on Monday 3rd February, day two has seen me with sugar withdrawal headaches, took a while to work out what it was!! So many things to look forward to, a Gold Coast trip away with my little sister, starting a new seconded role, and working on my New Years resolution of being able to do cartwheels!

I am Rachel the brave and 2014 will see me become Rachel the invincible!! 

Inspiring...who me?

I was overwhelmed by the support everyone gave me over my first blog shared on facebook to my friends and family. 
I really haven't thought of myself as inspiring, like others that are part of my 30 plus crew, I have been feeling like a fraud because my last 12 weeks didn't eventuate into anything that I would consider as being significant.  I lost 4.7kg, and was up and down like a yoyo and felt like I had to hide my perceived failure...and thus went back to spasmodic secret binging, I even went as far as eating a whole packet of Memorables, very apt name really. 
But what is it that inspires us, I know myself that honesty has been key to showing me who I consider inspiration, there are many of the 30 plus crew that have bared all and helped me through this journey, and like me they might not realise how inspiring their journey has been for others, Kate Beck, Michaela Petersen, Maryan Bourke, Catherine Hawkins, Carol Mead, Cathy Sheargold, Greg Leitch just to name a few!
This round of 12WBT is about baring all, not sure I am ready to share the undie shots I have taken along the way yet, but I am confident that one day I will be able to share those as well.  So for now it is about baring how I feel about how challenging this process is for me, and that the effort of what I am doing is sometimes too much to handle and that I break down and want to thrown in the towel. 

Aileen, Andrew, Lucia, Rose, Melanie, Natasha, Kerry, Kim, Joan, Natalie, Nerida, Jennifer, Michaela and Mandy, I wanted to say thank you for posting comments against my first blog post.  It really has opened my eyes that maybe the journey I am on is inspirational and I hope that it really does help others to start their own journey.

Bring on our first run together Tash!  Rose I have started the Learn to Run program this round, so will be ready for the Mother's Day Classic next year.

Just something else I wanted to let everyone know, because if I put it here I will not be able to thrown in the towel!

I am doing the Upstream Foundation Charity walk on the 16th November, walk, easy you say, but did I mention it is for 50km!  Eeeeek, seriously Rachel what have you agreed to do!!!  I am really quite scared about it, but have committed to do it so will, I am part of a Team created at work, and will be starting to train to get my km's up over the next few months.  I need to raise $200 to enter, so I will let you know when you can help me out!

Evidence of half my journey so far

What games are my mind playing?

Day One of Round 3 2013, my fourth round of 12WBT.  I need to be really honest and say that it has been a bit of a struggle.  I haven't failed or anything like that by not eating clean or binge eating...but that doesn't mean that I haven't wanted to. 
It would be fantastic to be able to just shake like a dog and have all the negative energy fly off me like water.  I feel stuck at 92kg, I think I just need to crack the 80's to be able to lift the fog.

Apple Museli for breakfast
Ham,cheese tomato on gluten free bread for lunch
Mini protein bar for a snack
Handful of Veggie chips
Roast pumpkin and feta salad for dinner
Mini popcorn
Yoghurt for dessert

So not too bad, other than the veggie chips, about 75 calories over the 1200.

I also did the Learn to Run session today, and burnt 330 calories.  Found my husbands polar and thought it was a good time to find out what I actually burn when I exercise, I have no idea what is good or not, did the 330 in 37 minutes.  I guess if I wear it more often I will find out what is happening with my body.

Still using my Fitbit everyday too though, currently at 13485 steps for the day.

So really it has been a good start to the round, but I still feel down about it.  Rutts do this to people right, make them believe that it won't get any better and this is the best it will ever be. 
BAH HUMBUG, gotta shake this off!!!
I will, I can, I am going to smash this round!






Oooh, I found out that my Bridesmaid dress has been shipped from China, I am excited to be able to try it on, but am really nervous too, will it look ok?!

Bridesmaid dress but mine is black